Since the envoys had brought news of the arrival of the Emperor, Bolesław’s kingdom had been overwhelmed by an all-encompassing state of commotion. Aside from the settlers living deep within the deepest forests, there was probably no one who did not, in some way or other, (...) more >>
The phones are always going wrong, so my parents aren’t upset when there’s no dialling tone. They’re at the fortieth birthday party of a female friend from their class at high school. They say they’re going downstairs to the phone booth for a (...) more >>
THE TASTY GRUB. The Bartender and Halina the Hatcheck Girl are watching TV. From outside we hear the approaching turmoil and commotion. Enter Parcha and Geena on the verge of a breakdown, sweaty, on the edge of madness. BARTENDER: We’re watching TV, and just then I hear this sort of screaming, a scuffle. So I say, now what’s it going to be, Bulgarian chicks shooting worms out of their cunts and all screaming like that? And I go check it out. And now the door opens, and this two-man isolation ward walks in, I don’t know, drunk or fucked up on something, or they escaped from the nuthouse, them and their paper-or-plastic. They come in, oh yeah, and that countess there is all pot-bellied. And yeah, so they come in. Can I help you? GEENA: I would like a lot of boiling water. I’m having a baby. Have granny strip the bed. BARTENDER: And she points me to Halina. Granny! And she was tossing her handbag around. So I say: We don’t have anything like that, boiling water. There’s coffee, tea, we got borsht, French fries. Just what it says here. GEENA: I’ll have the croquette. PARCHA: No, no, no—she’s such a kidder! None of that. None of that, if you ask me. Out of the question. Please excuse us for a moment. Look over there. Hold this. Turn around and look there, and hold this, and don’t say a word, I’ll do the talking, you stand here and look over there and don’t move. I beg your pardon for this unstable individual. My friend is sort of coming down. She’s not even really pregnant, you know, she just has this pillow stuffed in there, oh, hah hah. And stop laughing, stupid, because this isn’t even funny anymore. A psycho-junkie, this one. But those drugs’ll mess you up, if you’ll forgive my saying so. I’m terribly sorry, but something’s happened, and I am distraught. May I kindly ask you ladies: what is this lovely town we find ourselves in? BARTENDER: What town is this, and where are they! That’s what he asks me! Ostróda. HAT-CHECK GIRL: It’s Ostróda. PARCHA: Oh, Ostróda, a lovely town. So is that more to the south, the north, the east? Because it’s completely slipped my mind. BARTENDER: Well, it depends. PARCHA: Uh-huh. It depends. Quite right. You see, because it’s an unfortunate situation: we’ve found ourselves here by accident, not through our own fault, we’re from Warsaw, and we wound up here, well, it’s just… BARTENDER: Uh-huh. I’m from Warsaw, too. Halina, too, from Warsaw. We’re all from Warsaw. We came here on vacation. We just got back from sledding. PARCHA: Well, so you see. A fine thing, sledding. It’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you, as the poet says. The great poet. But to business, my ladies, because all joking aside, there occurred here an occurrence that is, for me, quite unclear, hard to explain how it all happened; in fact, it might sound a bit unreal. In a word, I found myself here under mysterious circumstances, and tomorrow I have to work at eight, but sadly I don’t have my phone on me. And I have to call. What this basically means is—I don’t know how to prove this—I don’t look like this. I don’t look like this, I was just playing around, dressing up, having fun, and you know, it all ended badly, real badly. I’m a professional actor, I play Father Ted in that TV show, I’m sure you’ve seen it, Father Ted, oh yes, that’s me. I was wondering: what time is it? BARTENDER: But sir, this is also a disguise. That there is Princess Diana in disguise, and I’m Barbara Cartland. It’s ten pm, as you can see on the watch below. PARCHA: Ten pm. That’s impossible. No time to sleep properly before I have to be on set. What a fucking nightmare. Goddammit, Geena, do something. Say something to them. Tell them who I am. You know. GEENA: We’ll have two orders of stew. PARCHA: NOOOO! HAT-CHECK GIRL: Hey, Wiesiek! PARCHA: No, come on, what do I need this Wiesiek for? And who is this Wiesiek, anyway? For the love of God, you ladies don’t at all understand the fix I’m in, and who is this Wiesiek, what’s he to me, this Wiesiek? People! People. For the love of God. I’m Father Ted. Help a fella out, I have to be at fucking work tomorrow at eight. BARTENDER: At eight, for what, collecting cans? GEENA: We Romanians are a feisty people. PARCHA: Would you please shut up? Not a word, keep quiet. Turn around. Turn around. Turn around now. Please shut up. You left the kid at preschool, now stand over there and think it over, whether that’s a motherly thing to do. She left the kid at preschool. Three days ago. Blew her alimony. Bought herself a shwarma sandwich. A psycho and a junkie, this one. BARTENDER: And what did she say? That Romanians are something? Great. GEENA: But my mom’s sure to have picked her up, for sure. BARTENDER: The cheapest phone card is fifteen seventy. PARCHA: But I’m broke! BARTENDER: Fifteen seventy. PARCHA: Come on, lady, all I need is one call’s worth. Just to shout out: Get me the fuck out of here! BARTENDER: Wiesiek! Come here! We have a bit of a problem. PARCHA: LET ME MAKE A CALL! FUCK! ONE CALL! ONE CALL! IT’S JUST A FEW CENTS! BARTENDER: Just a few cents, sure, but the cheapest card is fifteen seventy. I don’t know if you’re some kind of troublemaker, a priest, or even a Ted: that’s how much the card costs, and that’s money, and it’s not like any old head case can come in here from the funny farm and call wherever he pleases. That’s what I said, right, Halina? And then Wiesiek came in. WIESIEK: So what seems to be the problem here? BARTENDER: I’ll introduce you. This is Father Ted. With his wife, the nun. And their kid, the altar boy. Hee hee. WIESIEK: Alright, what do you want? PARCHA: Greetings, Mr. Wiesiek, sir, so here’s the deal: I’d like to make one phone call, and these ladies here are all for it, they just say I still have to check with you if it’s okay… WIESIEK: And you have to make such a ruckus? PARCHA: Certainly not, but… WIESIEK: And do you have to make such a ruckus? BARTENDER: But what the hell, for an hour now this con artist’s been telling us stories about how he’s some rich actor from Warsaw, but he can’t buy himself the cheapest phone card, because it’s a waste. They’re junkies or something. But I know that mug from somewhere. Hey, wise guy, you’re the one who steals the eggs from my henhouse. PARCHA: That’s not true, I… Damn you! To hell with you, to hell with you all! I fucking curse you! That your fucking microwave will blow up and everything with it!
There are more than 31,000 publishers registered in Poland. However, the market is highly concentrated. The 300 largest publishing firms still hold almost 98 per cent of it. More »
